Thought for the Day

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Kids and Religion

I know these have been circulated before but everytime I run into them, they still bring a smile. They are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Cute VW Commercial

Nobody else does commercials like Volkswagen – except perhaps Budwiser.

Integrity (Another Golf Story)

An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension….

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man, not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton."

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

Cross-Eyed Wife

Warning: groaner alert

My cross-eyed wife and I got a divorce.

We didn’t see eye to eye.

I also think she was seeing someone on the side.

Phones in Church

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and would then work east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: “Calls: $10,000 a minute.”

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and, if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he visited other churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia. Upon entering a church in Powder Springs, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: “Calls: 35 cents.”

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country. In each church, I have found this golden telephone, have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. But in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re in the South now. You’re in God’s Country. It’s a local call.”

Tactical Weapon Development

Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them ’round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot’s foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling and screaming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat.

But the Scots began to run out of cats.

So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.

And now you know … the rest of the story.