Wisdom

Relief

There are few situations in life which bring as much relief as when the police car behind you, with its lights flashing and siren on, pulls out and passes you to chase someone in front of you.

Thought for the Day

On the Corona virus and on lockdowns:

This is like being 16 again: gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Quarantine Blues

As we end month 2 of the lockdown, I’ve been thinking about Osama Bin Laden. He was stuck in his house with three wives for 5 years. I’m beginning to wonder if he called in those Navy Seals himself.

Remember wishing the weekend would last forever? Happy now?

What if they closed the grocery stores and we had to hunt for our food? I don’t even know where Little Debbie lives.

If they had just called it the “stay at home challenge” and posted it on Facebook, the virus would have been gone by now.

This would be a piss poor time to win the lottery. Where you going to go?

When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to go to eat, don’t give me an “I don’t know”. Geez: you’ve had months.

I was so bored last night, I called Jake from State Farm just to have someone to talk to. He asked me what I was wearing.

Thought for the Day

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”

– William James

Cha-Ching

"Every man and woman will receive $1,200."
And just like that, there was, once again, only two genders…

A Test for “Older” Kids

Those of us who have seen a few more sunsets than most should be able to get all of these right. Those of you with more years in front than behind likely won’t understand nor appreciate this. In time, the questions will be different but you will have your own list.

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind? _ ______ ______
2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on the ____ ___________ Show.
3. Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.

4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _______ ___ ________.
5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___ ____ ______ _______.
6. After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ‘danced’ under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____.

7. Nestle’s makes the very best _______________. (And do you remember the jingle that went along with this? Of course you do.)
8. Satchmo was America ‘s ‘Ambassador of Goodwill.’ Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _____ _________.
9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _____.

10. Red Skeleton’s hobo character was named _______ ___ __________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and ___ ___ _____”.
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _____ _____.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ______ and ___.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, ‘the day the music died.’ This was a tribute to _____ _____.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it and it started the space race. It was called _______.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ____ ____.

16. Remember LS/MFT? _____ ______ _____ ____ _______.
17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It’s _____ _____ ____.
18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The ______ knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60’s that was "a grave yard smash". Its name was the _______ ____.
20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it’s Logo/Representative. What was the boy’s name? ______.

Answers:

Ole Randy

Somewhat adultish but nothing really bad.

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it so he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points him towards the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen…THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy then runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy’s comes up to the pigpen: he services the pigs then the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They’re getting closer…"

How to Fix 2020

Has anyone tried unplugging 2020, waiting for 30 seconds, then plugging it back in?

The Economy is So Bad…

How bad is it? I thought you’d never ask.

It’s so bad that…

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.