I like magic tricks: some I can figure out; others not so much. This might possibly be the most amazing card trick you have EVER seen! It was developed by the magician after the terrorist attacks in Paris, France. Supposedly, he did this in front of Penn and Teller on TV and they just shook their heads in disbelief.
‘Twas a mild winters evening
and a goodly crowd had banned
To fill the local tavern
leaving barely room to stand.
As the songs and cheerful laughter
filled the room from walls to floor
A bent and twisted figure
staggered through the open door.
A gasp, a shriek, a stammered "Look!"
turned merriment to gloom
As all eyes turned to gaze upon
the presence in the room.
An albatross, had he but worn,
could not have wrought more fright
The red-rimmed eyes, the unkempt hair,
He looked a ghastly sight.
"The funeral parlor’s down the street!"
spoke up a faceless voice.
"The parlor wouldn’t take that thing,
not if they had a choice."
"He looks as though he’s just been though
a fight, a trial, a test."
"Yes, and what is worse, he looks as though
he came out second best."
This humor did the poor wretch take
in fact he gave a grin.
He scratched his beard and then he spoke
and the room was still again.
"If you don’t mind, I’d like to rest
I’ve not slept in many days."
"They why don’t you go get a job,
and change your wicked ways?"
He fixed his swollen, half-shut eyes
upon the voice that spoke.
He grinned, he chortled, then he laughed
as though he’d heard a joke.
Walking slowly to the bar,
he ordered up a beer.
"I’ll tell you all a funny story
one I know you’d like to hear."
Quaffing down the cooling brew
he turned to face the crowd.
"Once I was a clean-cut youth:
healthy; happy; proud.
"Yes! I was once a decent man.
‘Tis hard to believe, I know.
But I was-some four or five months back,
even though it doesn’t show.
"I was a programmer, no,
not a coder, tech, or clerk.
But an analyst-an artist
who knew how to do his work.
"I programmed this, and debugged that
finished each task on time.
And as my programs bug-free ran
my star began to climb.
"Then one day it happened.
My rising star did beam.
For I was asked to join
the mighty SYSTEMS team.
"Why don’t you laugh? ‘Tis funny
when you think about it some,
That such a task could ever use
this dirty, wretched bum.
"But ’twas so and for an hour or two
my work progressed quite well.
‘Till someone checked the perted chart
then my schedule went to hell.
"I hadn’t met the bubble
that was due on May the 7th.
No matter that I hadn’t joined
the team ’till June 11th.
"But they told me not to worry,
they would help me do my chore.
Instead of working just eight hours,
they allowed me twenty-four.
"They didn’t let me eat or sleep,
and yet they couldn’t figure
Why every time they saw the pert
my bubble had grown bigger.
"’Hurry! Hurry! Get it done!’
Was all that they could say.
My teeth grew weak, my body thin,
my hair began to gray.
"My voice went numb; my skin turned pale.
I started seeing double.
But they cared not, their prime concern:
that ever-growing bubble.
"One day I tried to run away;
I used to be a sprinter
They caught me in the parking lot
and chained me to the printer.
"And there I stayed for months on end
’til one day they said-Okay.
No sooner had my chains come off
then I made my get-away."
And as he spoke this final sentence
he was walking towards the door;
When suddenly he gripped his chest
and fell, dead, upon the floor.
Around his neck they found a tag
like diabetics wear.
Engraved upon this self-same tag
this message written there:
"If you should find this wayward soul
whether he’s safe or he’s in trouble,
Send him back, he isn’t through:
he’s got another bubble.
I know these have been circulated before but everytime I run into them, they still bring a smile. They are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Nobody else does commercials like Volkswagen – except perhaps Budwiser.
An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension….
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man, not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton."
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
Warning: groaner alert
My cross-eyed wife and I got a divorce.
We didn’t see eye to eye.
I also think she was seeing someone on the side.
