Biker Bar

•March 14, 2017 • 2 Comments

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It’s my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it’s a little four-week-old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

The Five Stages

•March 6, 2017 • 1 Comment

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The 5 stages of waking up.

Grandparents

•March 6, 2017 • 1 Comment

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What’s it about?" he asked.
"I don’t know," she replied. "I can’t read."

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I’m not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I’m 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That’s interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."

11. Children’s Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He’s just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

It Must be Near Lunchtime

•March 5, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Squirrel Problems at the Church

•February 28, 2017 • Leave a Comment

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and circumcised him; they haven’t seen a squirrel since.

The Art of Log Piling

•February 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

-fallen-tree

This scene with the owl must have taken the artist so long to plan and put together. All of the different types and cuts of wood make for a very detailed piece of art. The moon actually looks like it’s glowing.
-owl-mosaic

While this design is a little more basic, it’s no-less cool than the other ones. It seems like it might be a little more practical in the winter, too.
-round-wood-pile

This spiral looks really cool. It must be interesting to see it deconstructed in the winter as more and more of the logs are used. I would personally have a hard time taking apart something that looks so interesting.
-spiral-wood-sculpture

The wood-piling artists are getting very creative. I love how this one uses old wooden wheels to give their work an extra interesting element.
tacked firewood art.

This dog might not look very impressed by this fish-shaped wood pile, but we sure are. I think the stump that makes up the eye might be my favorite part.
-fish-wood-stack

This one is incredible! Let’s just hope that the paint used isn’t flammable.
-swiss-bear

It’s probably a little easier to get your kids to help stack wood when they know it’ll result in an adorable little house for them to play make-believe with. This is way too cute.
-little-house

This colorful stack is sure to look amazing once winter hits. Just imagine those pops of color against the white snow!
-painted-wood

Wow! This wood pile was made to look like the King and Queen of Norway. The detail that the artists captured are actually mind-blowing. You could stare at this one forever trying to figure out how they stacked the wood.
0-king-and-queen-of-norway

I love this one. Some of the piles look like little huts while others look like giant acorns.
1-creative-log-piles

This artist blended their wood stack right into the exterior of their home. It looks nice, and it will keep them from having to go far for more firewood once the winter hits. It’s pretty and practical.
2-creative-wood-pile

This ring made out of logs is hypnotizing to look at. It must have taken a great amount of patience to build.
3-the-ring

Owl mosaics seem to be pretty popular in the wood piling community. I love how beautiful all of the different woods look in the first one. And how cute is the owl peaking out from the snow in the second one?
4-owl-mosaics

While this stack is a little more abstract, it’s still a perfect example of how many colors and textures can be used. I’m not sure what this one is supposed to be, but I see a giant leaf.
5-artistic-woodpile

It was Mom

•February 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?" he asked.

"She didn’t say anything."