Cross-Eyed Wife

•June 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Warning: groaner alert

My cross-eyed wife and I got a divorce.

We didn’t see eye to eye.

I also think she was seeing someone on the side.

Phones in Church

•June 22, 2017 • 1 Comment

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and would then work east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: “Calls: $10,000 a minute.”

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and, if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he visited other churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia. Upon entering a church in Powder Springs, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: “Calls: 35 cents.”

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country. In each church, I have found this golden telephone, have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. But in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re in the South now. You’re in God’s Country. It’s a local call.”

Tactical Weapon Development

•June 20, 2017 • 2 Comments

Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them ’round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot’s foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling and screaming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat.

But the Scots began to run out of cats.

So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.

And now you know … the rest of the story.

So Maybe I was Wrong

•June 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

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Millenial Marriage Proposal

•June 13, 2017 • 2 Comments

How to Tell if Your Dog has been Involved in a Sex Scandal

•June 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Only in California

•June 13, 2017 • 1 Comment

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, I’m not. Would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said, “This ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake…”