The New Apple iGun

•April 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Thoughts on Life

•April 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, "Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."

2. Today, I asked my mentor – a very successful business man in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, "Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing."

3. Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."

4. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

5. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

6. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."

7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?" Because that’s where I keep all my stuff," she said.

9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, "I hope you feel better soon."

11. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today. If you need me, I’m a phone call away." It was from a high school friend I hadn’t seen in 10 years.

12. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."

13. The best sermons are lived, not preached…

14. Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

15. Success comes in “can” not “can’t”. A negative attitude presents only the problems, not the opportunities.

16. Attitude determines altitude in both flight and life. Have more glad, much less bad.

17. It is the nature of the ego to take and the nature of the spirit to share. We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.

See Spot. See Spot run.

•April 21, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I guess I’ve watched the Terminator movies too many times because I find this somewhat disconcerting in the least to disturbing and perhaps even a little frightening. It doesn’t take much imagination to make the leap from this to something much more sinister given the military’s propensity for such things. Throw in human foibles, sprinkle with a little hubris, and you’ve got a potential crisis brewing. Note that I work in the science and technology fields so I’m all for research, development, and advancements. But there is just something about this that’s disturbing.

To quote Jeff Goldblum’s character (Dr. Ian Malcolm) in the original Jurassic Park:

“Yeah but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

He also had a less well-known quote that, ironically, seems equally apropos:

“God help us: we’re in the hands of engineers.”

Family Pictures

•April 18, 2015 • 2 Comments

Confession

•April 18, 2015 • Leave a Comment

A Scotsman went to Confession in St. MacGregor’s Catholic Cathedral.

“Father”, he confessed, “it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.” The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”

Soon thereafter, another Scottish man entered the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.” This time, the priest questioned, “Who is this Kitty Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied. “Very well,” sighed the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.”

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Kitty Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, “No Father… I think it’s just a reflection off her shoes.”

Some One Liners

•April 18, 2015 • 1 Comment

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
I’m going to retire and live off my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people?”

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is a vegetable … and doctors tell us we must eat more vegetables!

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you’re just too tired to bounce it.
I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s a funny thing I just bought it for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

Good Advice

•April 18, 2015 • 1 Comment

When I was in the military, my wife and I were watching Forrest Gump at the base theater. The crowd was pretty quiet throughout the film, until the scene when Forrest graduates from college and is met by an Army recruiter.

That was met with a shout from behind us: "Run, Forrest, run!"

 
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