A Game Called “Bridge”

•June 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, ma’am, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculously undignified place I ever worked. They played a game called bridge.

Last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got." Another man said, "I’ve got strength, but no length."

Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!" I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn’t say, "Well, I guess we’ll go home now. This is the last rubber. "

Church Dinner

•June 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK."

So Jean decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Jean watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean’s ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead."

Jean went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. The scene was not pretty. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Jean, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped."

Home Mechanics Tools and Their Usage

•June 12, 2017 • Leave a Comment

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing grease out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc…."

Sharp Kid

•April 25, 2017 • 2 Comments

All politics aside, the kid is sharp…and at such a young age.

Have Ye Ever…

•April 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

QOTD (Quote of the Day)

•April 18, 2017 • 1 Comment

You know you ate too much when you have to let your bathrobe out.

The face

•April 18, 2017 • 1 Comment

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