Apparently There is a Third Option Between Burial and Cremation

•January 29, 2018 • Leave a Comment

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Net Neutrality ala the Burger King Whopper

•January 24, 2018 • 5 Comments

There seems to be a lot of confusion about Net Neutrality and the FCC’s recent repeal of it. Those of us that deal with technology on a day-to-day basis, understand the impact of that poor decision. For those outside the Information Technology world, it can be confusing. Burger King put together a nice little video that explains it in terms regular folks can understand.

Have You Ordered Pizza Lately?

•January 23, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Hello,

Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir – it’s Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual – you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK – that’s what I want.

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know that?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others! I’m going to an island without Internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!

I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

Things I Have Learned from the Movie Industry

•January 23, 2018 • 2 Comments

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they’re employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts–your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty or detection.

False Alarm

•January 19, 2018 • Leave a Comment

It has been noted in the Hawaiian news that once the ‘Alert’ went out, it took 38 minutes to send another ‘text’ message alert saying ‘False Alarm’.

If you think about it, that’s enough time to have ‘End of the World’ sex, smoke a cigarette, take a quick shower, and still have 31 minutes left…

Marketing

•January 19, 2018 • Leave a Comment

People often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

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* You’re a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising

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* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

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* You’re a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

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* You’re a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

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*You’re a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s a Sales Rep.

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* You’re a woman and your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

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* You’re a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”

That’s Facebook.

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*If you are a man and secretly disclose  a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,

That’s “Insider Trading.”

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* You’re a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs you.

That’s Bill Clinton

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* You didn’t mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That’s America!

Latest Olympics Headline

•January 9, 2018 • Leave a Comment

North Korea Demands Rocket Launch Competition Category as Condition to Participate in Winter Games in South Korea