Some One Liners

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
I’m going to retire and live off my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people?”

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is a vegetable … and doctors tell us we must eat more vegetables!

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you’re just too tired to bounce it.
I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s a funny thing I just bought it for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

~ by yougottobekidding on April 18, 2015.

One Response to “Some One Liners”

  1. Reblogged this on Take off with Natarajan.

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