Embarrassing Medical Exams
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
“Big breathes,” I instructed.
“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
Keep Off the Grass
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass”.
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing which said, “Sorry; had to mow the lawn.”
Submitted by RN, no name
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?”
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, “No doctor but the song you were whistling was…
‘Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener’…”
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name…