The Most Difficult Questions for Men

The most difficult questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is sure to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: “What are you thinking about?”

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of these:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.”

Question #2: “Do you love me?”

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who me?

Question #3: “Do I look fat?”

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: “What would you do if I died?”

A definite no-win question, but one response that might work is “I’d be devastated, and struggle to carry on without you.” Incorrect responses include:

a. I’d turn to your sister for comfort and solace.
b. I’d sell your clothes and shoes and retire.
c. I’d see if your (recently divorced) best friend is still available.

The WORST possible scenario is for this to develop into this:

“What would you do if I died?”

“I dunno.”

“Would you get married again?”

“Definitely not!”

“Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

“Okay, I’d get married again.”

[with a hurt look on her face] “You would?”

“Yes, I would.

[long pause] “Would you live in our house?”

“Where else would we live?”

“Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?”

“That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

“And would you let her use my golf clubs?”

“No.”

“No: why not?”

“She’s left-handed.”

~ by yougottobekidding on June 12, 2012.

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