Oneliners

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don’t?

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet… he said "postage dew".

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.

Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores.

We’re going to have a terrorist attack, but we don’t know where or when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I’ll tell you this much, he doesn’t like it when you join in.

How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words.

My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.

The president has said that inflation has been arrested. He should check . . . I think it’s out on bail.

The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime.

You know times are tough when the school system is recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court.

Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other.

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you’re mooning everyone behind you.

~ by yougottobekidding on March 3, 2012.

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