How Old is He?

He’s so old…

…he remembers what it was like *before* the good old days.
…he remembers when his dad was a twinkle in his grandfather’s eye.
…he remembers when Sarah Palin could have walked to Russia from Alaska.
…he knew the First of the Mohicans.
…his first beer was a New Milwaukee.

…when he was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
…he’s not just over the hill, he’s over the whole mountain range.
…undertakers think he’s an escapee.
…he thinks a computer is some sort of mathematician.
…Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after him.

…AARP stopped sending him renewal notices.
…he broke the fountain of youth when he stuck his toe in it.
…he spent his college spring breaks partying in Sodom and Gomorrah.
…everything he buys has a lifetime guarantee.
…that’s not hair on his head, it’s mold.

…he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
…his dreams are sepia toned.
…the last time he got an erection his wife assumed it was rigor mortis.
…when people ask him which came first, the chicken or the egg, he replies "I did."
…monkeys evolved from him.

…God made Adam from his rib.
…he creaks when he blinks.
…his library card says Alexandria.
…when he orders a three minute egg they ask for the money up front.
…his first condom was made of bark.

~ by yougottobekidding on February 16, 2012.

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