- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may even be illegal.

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- You always ‘bang a left’ as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance states and the other driver has nothing to lose.

- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

- Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.

- The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts ook high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police radar car parked on the median.

- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

- Please remember that Massachusetts is the Bay State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.

- State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes in your travel.

- Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.

- It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.

- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way; except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken, or to let that driver know that you’ve seen them and can identify them in a lineup.

- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

(in Maine you are allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn)

- Real Massachusetts women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

- Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

- Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

FYI: Rt. 128 is also I-95. When 128 is also I-93, you are heading both North and South at the same time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Don’t beat your head against a stone wall.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
Don’t cross the bridge until you come to it.

Two heads are better than one.
Paddle your own canoe.

Haste makes waste.
Time waits for no man.

You’re never too old to learn.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

A word to the wise is sufficient.
Talk is cheap.

It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Nice guys finish last.

Hitch your wagon to a star.
Don’t bite off more that you can chew.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Clothes make the man.

The squeaking wheel gets the grease.
Silence is golden.

Birds of a feather flock together.
Opposites attract.

Winners never quit.
Quit while you’re ahead.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two’s company; three’s a crowd.

Seek and ye shall find.
Curiosity killed the cat.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Slow and steady wins the race.
Time waits for no man.

The best things in life are free.
There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

A penny saved is a penny earned.
Penny wise, pound foolish.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Stop and smell the roses.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls. While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating. Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness. Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Hangovers. The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.