I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70′s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ….. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

… you come right out and say whatever she tells you to think.

… your wife doesn’t have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

… you always have the last word — and it’s always, "I apologize"

… the last big decision she let you make was whether to wash or to dry.

… you was a dude before marriage — now you’re subdued.

… you married her for her looks, but not the kind you’re getting now.

… she complains about the noise you make — when you’re fixing her breakfast.

… you go to a woman dentist because it’s such a relief to be told to open your mouth instead of shut it.

… every once in a while, she comes to you on bended knees — when she dares you to come out from under the bed.

"His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is," he said. "I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that’s pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police."

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What’s going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may even be illegal.

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- You always ‘bang a left’ as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance states and the other driver has nothing to lose.

- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

- Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.

- The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts ook high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police radar car parked on the median.

- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

- Please remember that Massachusetts is the Bay State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.

- State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes in your travel.

- Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’ reflexes.

- It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.

- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way; except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken, or to let that driver know that you’ve seen them and can identify them in a lineup.

- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

(in Maine you are allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn)

- Real Massachusetts women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

- Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

- Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

FYI: Rt. 128 is also I-95. When 128 is also I-93, you are heading both North and South at the same time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Don’t beat your head against a stone wall.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
Don’t cross the bridge until you come to it.

Two heads are better than one.
Paddle your own canoe.

Haste makes waste.
Time waits for no man.

You’re never too old to learn.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

A word to the wise is sufficient.
Talk is cheap.

It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Nice guys finish last.

Hitch your wagon to a star.
Don’t bite off more that you can chew.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Clothes make the man.

The squeaking wheel gets the grease.
Silence is golden.

Birds of a feather flock together.
Opposites attract.

Winners never quit.
Quit while you’re ahead.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two’s company; three’s a crowd.

Seek and ye shall find.
Curiosity killed the cat.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Slow and steady wins the race.
Time waits for no man.

The best things in life are free.
There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

A penny saved is a penny earned.
Penny wise, pound foolish.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Stop and smell the roses.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls. While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating. Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness. Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Hangovers. The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan