Tiger Woods Updates

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…"clubs you can beat Tiger with."

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Word that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now has been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the shit out of a Driver.

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News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger".

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Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family–his new name? Cheetah.

Military Motivational Posters

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

Dear Lou,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Lou

Why Men are just Happier People

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
• A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

1. You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it’ll be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.

26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in.

32. Coffee doesn’t shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month…it ias good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.

40. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

41. INSTANT COFFEE!

42. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

43. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

44. Your coffee won’t be jealous of a larger cup.

Why Dogs are Better than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don’t criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.

Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don’t need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don’t make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don’t correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren’t threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they’re lost.

Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

White House News Conference

From James Taranto’s Column in the WSJ

Reporters arrive for a White House news conference to find that the floor of the press room is covered in water, half an inch deep. A dripping President Obama arrives at the lectern, and the first question is about the water. Obama explains that he had been trying to fix a clogged toilet near the Oval Office but ended up breaking a pipe and flooding the entire West Wing.

The next day, the newspaper headline reads, "Obama Walks on Water."

Tiger Woods Q&A

Q: What’s the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball?

A: Tiger Woods can’t drive an Escalade 300 yards.

The Best Card Trick Ever

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html

Demotivational Posters