You can always tell when people who live in cold climates get bored.
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily… if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Admit it! Life would be so boring without me.
Sometimes I laugh so hard tears run down my leg.
Once in a while, someone amazing comes along. Here I am!
I am who I am. Your approval isn’t needed.
The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.
Karma takes way too long. I’d rather just smack you right now.
I’m having one of those days when my middle finger is answering every question.
Ever feel like you are one dumbass away from completely losing it?
Askhole: (n) a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the exact opposite.
If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will look for me.
Wine improves with age —- I improve with wine.
We will be friends until forever, just wait and see.
Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.
Don’t make me put my hands on my hips.
Oops. Did I roll my eyes out loud?
As I’ve grown older I’ve learned not to stress so much. Just kidding: I’m drunk!
Don’t run your fingers over my motor bike and I won’t run my bike over your fingers.
I’m full of holiday spirit. It’s called vodka.
Fart now loading.
You cannot be old & wise if you were never young & crazy.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I don’t have a bucket list but I have a f–k it list a mile long.
Golf is calling and I must go.
I’d love to have a ‘battle of wits’ with you…but you appear to be unarmed.
Everything tastes better with ketchup
You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.
Old enough to know better, young enough to say WTF.
I don’t give a <picture of rat> <picture of donkey>.
I have OCD & ADD. So everything has to be perfect…but not for very long.
What happens at the lake, stays at the lake.
Walk a day in my head and you’ll completely understand.
Admit it, life would be so boring without me.
If you’re not left handed something isn’t right.
Jesus loves you but I’m his favorite.
I will see your sarcasm and raise you some sass.
Do you want to speak to the Doctor in Charge, or the Nurse who knows what is going on?
You people must be exhausted from watching me do everything.
Mom likes me best.
I’m not short, I’m fun sized.
I may be left handed, but I’m always right
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
Geezer: (slang) Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
I could be a morning person if morning happened at noon.
Lead me not into temptation…Oh hell, just follow me: I know a shortcut.
One of the things you do in golf is have a fellow golfer or a caddy tend the flag. This helps when you have a long putt and the hole is hard to see. Well, this little fellow didn’t do such a good job of tending the flag but he was definitely cute as can be.